My room in the mental health ICU is made up of four bare walls, a window with the blind permanently closed, a bed, a blanket, a pillow…and me. If I want to use the landline phone I must do so under the watchful eye of a nurse, and only during the times allotted. Dinner is served on styrofoam plates with only a plastic spoon and fork to cut my meal with…Give that a try sometime! It’s not a pretty sight. The powdered coffee is luke warm; I’m guessing to make sure no one can burn themselves. I eat when I’m told it’s time to, because none of the rooms have a clock. I shower in an unlocked shower room with a handful of generic body wash, and I’m not allowed to wear street clothes or socks; only the scrubs and blue slippers they provide. The mirror in the unlocked washroom is a sheet of metal screwed to the wall, and impossible to break. While I lay awake in my room, I hear patents being restrained down the hall. They are a threat to themselves I suppose… as I was. I plug my ears to block out the crying and yelling, while feeling relieved that I cooperated…or I would have been restrained as well. If I want a pencil and paper I need to sign the pencil out, and one sheet of paper is what I’m handed. A camera is on me at all times, and for some odd reason I’m not allowed to sit on the floor. When I want my light turned off, I need to ask the nurse to do so, as my room doesn’t even contain the switch. It’s lonely and sterile, but I’m there for my safety, and it’s been my home away from home… three times now.
How did I get here again? What was I thinking? How could I hurt the people I love so much? How could I have been so foolish? How did my brain not think of the consequences?- Are all questions which have been swirling in my mind like a tornado for the past few days. The level of guilt I feel after hurting my family, my friends, and myself is nauseating. I wish SO MUCH that it was all a bad dream! I want so desperately to wake up from the nightmare and see that it actually didn’t happen. I feel suffocated by relentless distorted thinking…Everyone is better off without me! They will never forgive me! They will never truly understand what the depths of my depression feels like! They won’t understand that I’m not rational when I’m in that darkness, and barely ‘feeling’ anything at all. It takes an army to convince me that my thinking is wrong, and days…weeks…MONTHS…to ever begin to forgive myself.
I want the cycle to end so badly. I can’t hurt the people I love anymore. I can’t hurt myself anymore.
So tomorrow is another day…and a blessing. No catchy ending to this blog…this is all I have in me tonight.
“Never bend your head. Hold it high. Look the world straight in the eye.” ~Helen Keller