Yesterday was an interesting Saturday filled with different weather, different worlds, and different ways of thinking. In the morning I woke up to the first snowfall of the year. Beautiful, soft, fluffy pieces of snow fell outside of AB’s window. And even though I’m not a fan of winter, the first snowfall is always something I look forward to…it’s sort of, magical. Wanting to experience it all, Magyver and I bundled up and went for a ‘coffee-hunt walk’ (AB doesn’t drink hot beverages so her house is coffleeless…I know, she’s nuts) and found a surprisingly good cup at the Hasty Mart…go figure. (Let’s keep in mind I was also desperate, so I could have drank ground coffee beans and I most likely would have thought it was delicious).
AB and I are addicted to the series ‘Once Upon a Time’, so after I returned with my java, we snuggled up on the couch and started a fairly substantial marathon. “When was the last time you had a day where you just relaxed and did nothing but stay comfy and watch TV?” she inquired. “Hmmmm….I’m not sure. I guess I usually have some sort of errand or cleaning to get done every day. Why?” I answered. “Really? No reason.” She turned her attention back to the TV, and let out a tiny ‘hmmm’ and I could see she was smiling from the side of her face. We then proceeded to allow ourselves to get wrapped in fairy tales like we were wrapped in our toasty blankets, and let the morning disappear as gently as the snow landing on the outside pavement.
Sadly my glorious morning bliss changed with the afternoon weather; dreary rain put me in a dreary mood. I started to feel antsy inside, so I went for another walk with Magyver to get some blood circulating in my legs. But being alone gives me busy head; aka, I tend to over think when I’m not distracting my brain. I appreciated the five episodes of Once Upon a Time distraction heaven, but quiet walks usually equalled loud thoughts for me…so I was prepared. As the ‘busyness’ started, I asked myself, ‘what am I feeling right now?’ as my teachers have taught me to do in these situations. I need to be mindful and in the moment on this rainy walk, and discover what I’m feeling below the surface of the dripping shell of my rain coat? When this question lead to an ache in my heart, I knew the answer right away…I missed Ian. I still see him often because he checks up on me, drives me places, and visits, but it’s a double edged sword…to the heart. (I could throw in a Prince Charming analogy here…which would totally fit…but I’ll reel it in 😉 ) He’s always taken care of me, and didn’t want to leave, but my illness hurt us both and we so desperately need to heal…and now our new necessary distance between each other rips my heart out. I love anticipating seeing him. It makes me happy every time just as much as the first time we went on a date. I’ve never stopped loving him and it makes me sad to still see that look in his eye when he smiles at me. (So bitter sweet.) It’s torturous that in order for me to heal I need to be away from him. So even though the initial happiness I feel is still there every time I see him, I know the pain in my heart will always follow when he leaves…it’s inevitable…just like how the first November snowfall always turns to rain.
Fast forward to the evening. The rain has been taken over by blustery cold wind…and I have busy head again. Lovely. So I go for another walk. The wind snaps at my ears and takes my breath away. I miss the soft winter wonderland of the morning, and I think to myself, It’s funny how things that are wonderful and good can change so quickly into something that’s painful and bad. But just as things can change from good to bad, so too can they change from bad to good…eventually. Eventually my heart won’t ache as much. Eventually Ian and I will be happy again… just not together. Eventually things will settle and just be. So as I walk in the dark windy night, I reminded myself to be patient with me. My heart needs time to heal like anyone’s, and I need to not dwell on the past. So much easier said than done. I wish I had a magic wand like the fairy godmother in our show to fast forward the hands of time. But I bet even magic can’t speed up the healing of a broken heart…