Well it’s official everyone, I have writers block tonight and my brain hurts. I’m in layer 1 (bordering into layer 2) of my depression. It started while grocery shopping. The ‘off’ feeling settled in like the dark cloud it is, and all the world seemed weird to me. I just feel bored with this world. Have you ever read the ‘Berenstain Bears Don’t Talk to Strangers’ book? If you have, can you recall the page when sister bear sees everyone in her town as dark and mean looking? THAT’S how I saw people at the store today. Everyone just walking around like ants, monotonously searching up and down isles, trying to calm their kids, complaining about prices, waiting in line-ups and worrying about what to make for dinner…again. Probably just like they did a few days ago as well. Ugh. Then I get to walk outside in the bitter cold with the wind pissing me off…and why? Honestly, I don’t know why. And I hate it.
I get to just walk past the wine store when all I can think of is smelling a beautiful glass of red wine and taking that first sip…it would be heaven. (Figuratively…don’t get the wrong idea). All I do is look at the clock. I wait until I can go to bed…how exciting. I just don’t get the point of it all. Depression is a horrible demon.
I could probably stay in bed for days right now. I’ve accepted the fact that I will probably have a headache for the duration of this slump. I don’t have too much to get excited about these days. So it’s hard to smile. I have barely enough money to pay my bills now that I’m on disability. I can’t see my son whenever I want to because CAS intervened the last time I overdosed. My relationship is over with Ian. I feel so far away from my daughter. I have so much more exhausting mental health ‘work’ to do. Important and amazing people are dying (2 in one week). I can’t look forward to having a drink at night. I don’t have energy to go to the gym or yoga. I see so many people battle this disease at school every day. I have nightmares EVERY night…and now night terrors where I scream myself awake. I don’t have my phone, and I can’t be anywhere alone. I miss my dog Walter. And I don’t know who I am anymore. It all pretty much sucks.
That’s all I have to say tonight.