During my most excruciating moments at Homewood, a nurse would always calmly tell me, ‘this too shall pass’. She would say it when I was curled up in a ball on the floor when I knew my relationship back home was over. She would say it when I cried so hard I couldn’t breathe after learning that my daughter was in the hospital. She would say it when I drove back after I couldn’t stay at home during Christmas because my home was filled with too many heartbreaking memories, and I didn’t feel safe being alone. She said the words and somehow they made sense, but they never took the pain away.
I haven’t been feeling good lately. I have a lot on my mind. I feel like big decisions will need to be made soon, like they are looming over my head…but I don’t know what they are about. I’m a lot more sensitive to little things. Maybe it’s because the summer’s nearing its end. Maybe it’s a lot of things I guess.
This too shall pass…but where will ‘this’ lead? Even while being ok with the ‘why’s’, a level of discomfort is still reasonable I suppose. I AM human…even though I don’t feel I am some days. I will need to do some soul-searching. I will need to listen to every gut instinct. And I will need to continue to trust that the right path is in front of me, and the directions are visible if I keep my eyes on the road.
Ok life, where are you taking me now? Why are certain things happening to me lately? What are you preparing me for? What are you strengthening in me? And why?
Please no dreams tonight! I can’t take them any more. They hurt so much.