One of my biggest dislikes about having depression is that sometimes I don’t know how bad it is until it’s passed. Over the last week, if I were to complete a “Do You Have Depression” quiz, I’m sure it would have screamed yes. Fatigue. Hopelessness. Irritability. Change in appetite. Isolation. Lack of interest in anything. Check! But as I’m sitting here in IT, I can’t seem to really say how bad it is. Just to be clear, I am safe and don’t have any suidical thoughts. It’s like when mental illness is SUCH a part of your life, detecting when it’s affecting you is like trying to see a firefly in permanent darkness – You know you’ve seen that bright little happy bug before, but when you live in the dark so often, you question if you really ever saw that light.
This blog may be all over the map, because I also feel my concentration is off. My creative brain is mud at the moment. Which sucks, because writing usually causes me to feel happy and productive, but tonight it feels more like a rant for my own good.
It just gets tiring navigating through the dark. Questioning your feelings all the time. That’s why I sleep a lot, to try to shut my mind off – but sleeping still sucks because of the dreams I have. I can only play Gummy Drop and eat Mini Wheats for so long. I feel judged a lot when I’m in this state, with no evidence of that even happening. I think it’s mostly me judging myself. It’s a constant banter of questioning my actions and thoughts. Feeling alien and not understanding normal conversations people have around me because they seem so mundane. Searching and searching for a moment of peace from feeling different. That only comes when I snuggle my fur babies (and Adam, but he’s so big and doesn’t really want to snuggle that much anymore).
Take a look at this picture.
I took this today and added the sweet little caption, “A cheetah in the wild resting after capturing its prey”. Funny, happy, green grass. Well I could have also written the following caption, “Forced myself to go outside after sleeping until about 5:30pm. Felt bad that Walter has to deal with my lazy self so I dragged my ass to the park and got rid of some guilt for a while.” Not as appealing – but the truth.
I’m going to see my doc this week (hopefully) and maybe get my meds adjusted. That may be the problem.
I sort of want to be a wildlife photographer now. I wish I had money to travel. It pisses me off when people say, ‘Oh you need to travel’, when I have zero money! Like suck it people! – easy for you to say. I’m going to wear my earplugs in my car soon so I can’t hear my brakes grinding anymore because I can’t afford to get them fixed. Blah blah blah.
I’m done ranting. Happy Mental Health Awareness Week.